Consent is SO sexy. But I didn’t always think so. Communicating in the bedroom used to really
challenge and confuse me… I believed it ruined the mood. Maybe you relate? We’re
conditioned to believe sex and intimacy should be entirely spontaneous. And honestly, the
thought of pausing mid-hook up to awkwardly mumble, “Can I stick it in,” still makes my stomach
do flips (not the good kind).
But it CAN be sexy. Mostly because communicating our desires and boundaries allows us to get
out of our heads and into our bodies. Think about it, when we take the time to say, “I like this…”
we’re not in our heads thinking, “I wish she would…”. When we take the time to say, “I’m not
feeling up to anal penetration…” we’re not worried about him inching his hand closer and closer
to our ass. When we take the lead and ask our partners what they desire and what’s feeling off
limits, we drastically minimize the risk of getting caught in a “me too” moment and we create
space for healing in our partnerships.
From my personal experience and having witnessed and guided thousands of individuals in
erotic settings, the number one thing that hinders pleasure and keeps orgasms at bay is being
stuck in our heads. It’s far too easy to get caught in mind drama instead of being present for the
pleasure available in moments of intimacy.
Deep down, we need to feel safe. We can’t truly receive pleasure until we are in a regulated
space. We can’t be incredibly spontaneous until we know we’re not going to accidentally create
some irreversible consequence. What do we need to feel safe? We need to communicate with
one another. We need to ask for consent and take responsibility for our bodies and our
pleasure.
Here are 3 tips to do so in a way that makes her wet and takes him to pound town:
1. Make it a part of the foreplay. Instead of considering consent a box that needs to be
checked, introduce desires over dinner. This is like preheating the oven for super hot
intimacy. Consider phrases like, “What do you want to do to me?” or something milder
like, “What turns you on?” Use these phrases to direct the conversation into boundaries.
For example, I may respond to one of these questions with, “I’m really into kink and
BDSM, but I save it for partners whom I have an established relationship with… so let’s
table that for tonight. But I’d love some sensual connection. What about you?”
2. Don’t take boundaries or desires personally. Consider every “rejection” as a
“redirection”. If something you desire is not available for this coupling, get curious about
what else is available OR what you can do to create space and safety to get closer to
making that desire a reality down the line. If your partner makes a request for something
else, don’t assume you’re doing it “wrong” or you’re not a good lover. Applaud them for
giving you the cheat code to their body.
3. Be playful. All the weight and awkwardness we put on eroticism is conditioned from our
elders, church, and society. Let that shit go. Give yourself permission to try something
new, to be awkward, and to laugh along the way. Consider approaching your intimate
moments as if you are a teenager exploring naked bodies for the first time. There is SO
much more available in sex than just penis in vagina. Sex is sacred play.
Be safe, be love,
Leola
PS: Wanting support in having the hard convos and trying new things, like setting boundaries and asking for what you really desire in and out of the bedroom? Consider enrolling me as your personal cheerleader!
PSS: Desiring like-minded and consent-conscious community? Check out my upcoming events.