I'm a firm believer of having strong boundaries. When lovers tell me their no-no’s, I’m much more trusting and convinced of their yes’s. In fact, when I have a safer sex convo and someone says they have no boundaries, I feel skeptical and often reconsider connecting with them at all. I often invite them to name at least one boundary, even if it sounds ridiculous, such as no punching me in the face or do not poop on me.
Boundaries are like a fence - a structure creating space for unabashed expression and flow. Imagine if you were led to the edge of a cliff, then you were blindfolded and asked to dance. I bet your dancing would be very calculated and cautious, tiptoeing around so you didn’t dance right off that cliff. You would be very in your head and not able to let your body move you.
Now, imagine a large and sturdy fence was built 5 feet from the edge of the cliff - a boundary… once again, you are blindfolded and asked to dance wildly. I bet, in this case, you could actually move freely with authenticity. When we set boundaries, we are erecting an energetic fence that empowers us to move with freedom. When used intentionally, boundaries create space for greater spontaneity and expansion.
But sometimes, we hide behind our boundaries. We hide behind our limitations. We play small and stay in our lane… we use boundaries as a way to stay in our victimhood or to avoid the fun-comfortable sensations of courage, risk, and growth. What would it look like to be empowered in our boundaries, while also creating space for expansion? That would be pushing our edges.
Let’s go back to our fence analogy… the fence, which is 5 feet from the cliff, represents your boundary. We don’t want to cross that, but what if we could snap our fingers and push the fence back 1 foot. Woooo - more space to play! This is beautiful. Let me feel it. Oh, wow. I love this. I'm so happy that I pushed that edge, because it created all of this spaciousness. And we feel safe because there’s still 4 feet between the cliff and the fence. I could even handle moving the fence back another foot… but that would probably be enough for me. A fence 3 feet from the edge of the cliff is my hard boundary.
This is what pushing your edges looks like - finding your boundary and seeing if there’s an invitation to create more space there. Let’s say we built the fence at 3 feet from the cliff’s drop off from the get-go… maybe we try to push that edge another foot. AH - nope. Hard boundary - nice try!
Some boundaries are hard, meaning there is no edge to push. That’s okay! Pushing edges means getting curious about your boundaries, considering why they’re there, and creating space (if it’s available!) to expand outside of our comfort zone.
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